Time Changes Nothing

Grief, it's a funny thing. Some days it feels all most non-existent and other days, well it feels like it is strangling me and it won't ever let go. 

Those are what I call the bad days. 

When the pain of losing my dad grabs hold so strong and pulls me under. I can not describe how it feels other than to say this, when you are out on a boat and standing on the edge, looking down and you jump in and sink down into the water and open your eyes expecting to see some sort of light but you only see darkness. It is quiet and lonely and you are the only one there. 

Those are the days that I feel as if the pain of losing him will never end. The deep deep sorrow that grips my heart and pulls me in farther away from my life. It keeps me from being a good wife, mother, and friend. Probably just a good person in general. 

When those days come I just want to close the blinds, crawl into bed, and pull the covers up and not feel. And if I'm being truthful, which I am, I have done this a time or two. I hear this is normal. I hear it's normal to be so deep in grief that you don't want to feel anything. But I don't know what is normal when dealing with grief. How can anyone say what is normal when each of our journeys are different. 

I'm thankful that my God is loving and merciful and everyday on this grief journey he provides me with grace. I know it is how I make it through the days when the ache of missing my daddy is kept to the outer edge and not allowed to creep in. 

However, it's been ten months since I've talked to my dad. 304 days since I've heard his voice. Dad and I were extremely close. We never went more than three days without talking, even if we were upset with one another, we still called. I still miss the sound of his voice and being in his presence.


I would like to say that I've made peace with the pain of losing him but I haven't. It's always there just below the surface ready to burst out at any given moment. I still miss him just as much today, if not more, than the day he died. 

For me, time has changed nothing. Death changed everything but time has not. 

September 11, 2001

2977, we must never forget. I will never forget.

Eleventh Grade and Sixth Grade

I swear this summer just flew by. I'm not sure if it's because we were so busy we couldn't keep the days straight or that we just didn't have anything really going on and the days all just melted into each other. 

But here we are as another school year begins.

I'm now the mom of an eleventh grader and a sixth grader. I just shed a tear as my breath hitched as I typed that sentence. It still has not sunk in that I have a junior in high school. When did that happen, how did that happen. I know how it happened, Father Time played a nasty trick on me and sped up the clock each day.

I'm OK with R2 going into 6th grade, really I am. I've been down this road before so it's familiar. I wasn't ready for R1 to start 6th grade but I know he was ready and it is the same thing for R2, he's ready and I'm not. 

All of this just means they are growing up and it is all just happening to fast for my liking. 

Here is the first day obligatory picture. They were both over it and clearly I wasn't. But you can't see the 4,286 pictures that I made them take that all sitting on my phone.

 

Happy Birthday Hubs

Today Hubs turns another year older. 

This man has been my best friend and my rock. He's been my protector, advise giver and comforter. He's also been my chef, travel partner, and sporting event companion. 

 He has been the best husband and father I ever wished for. 

But he's been so much more than that. He's been the person that I've done life with for the past 21 years. I don't think I will ever be able to put into adequate words just how much this all means to me. 

You and the boys are my best dreams come true. I am truly blessed to be on this adventure with you. 

Happy Birthday Day and I love you!

Sixteen

It feels like yesterday you were this little. 

And then just like that I blinked and you turned 16. 

HAPPY 16TH BIRTHDAY R1! 

I will love you forever and ever.

One of the High Costs of Having a Teenager

So R1 turns 16 in a few short weeks. Today I called the car insurance company to see how much it would cost for us to him to our insurance. 

I have two words for you, Oh my! I think my head might have exploded just a tad bit when the very nice woman told me how much my car insurance would go up each month. I even asked her to double to check that I received my child minor discount since I have been with them for over five years. Not only did I receive that discount but because R1 has a better than "B" average in school I received another discount. See kids, good grades do pay off, in the amount of car insurance your parents have to pay in order for you to be able to drive a car.

I called Hubs and gave him the bad news. And right after those few words came out of my mouth my head began to pound. 

I immediately began to think about all of the kids out there who R1 is friends with whose parents car insurance will also go up but those parents who purchased brand cars for those kids. So now you are talking about a car note as well. 

I would love to give my kids everything their hearts desire along with what my heart desires for them to have. But that is just not going to happen. I refuse to go into that kind of debt at this stage in the game. 

Hubs and I talked about maybe buying him a brand new one when he graduates from high school that way it will last him all four years of college and few years beyond that and then he can purchase his next new car but that is a few years away. Right now I'm trying to absorb the shock of the increase to my car insurance. 


Well I'm off to find some Advil or a big glass of wine or both. Anything to help with the pounding that is going on inside my head.


 

Summer Ball

Ahhh, my happy place. 

Yep I like the sound of a baseball hitting the bat just right and you know it's going deep. I like the sound of metal spikes from baseball cleats hitting the cement. I also like to listen to all the smack talk from guys sitting in the dugout. 

My love for the game of baseball is a deep one. It goes back to when I was a kid and my dad used to take my brother and I to watch the Houston Astros play in the Dome. I have vivid memories of those times that I still cherish today. 
 
While I have enjoyed our break for a few weeks I'm glad to be back watching the kid I love doing the thing he loves. 

Astros Weekend Fun

During the 2015 post season of Houston Astros several photographers captures the moment Colby Rasmus came out with his sweaty messy long hair, no shirt, a ski mask, and full champagne bottle that he proceeded to spay on anyone that was standing around him. It was an awesome moment and a pretty gross moment at the same time. 

The Astros organization decided to turn that moment into a never ending one with a free bobble head doll give away. The only difference was the bobble head was required to have a shirt. Once that give away date was announced and R1 found out about it he kept reminding us how he would love to get one of those and how we needed to go to the game. 

Hubs and I talked about it and decided that we get tickets as soon as they went on sale and we would keep it a surprise from the boys. So back in March Hubs purchased tickets to the June 4 game, Oakland Athletics vs. Houston Astros. We went three months of saying nothing. When R1 asked if we got tickets to the game we told him no, sorry they sold out so fast. He even brought up purchasing the tickets on StubHub. We just told him over and over they were unavailable. 

The plan was to tell them we had a birthday party to go in Houston and that it was outside so wear comfortable clothes. So the night before the game, I loaded up the back of the car with the boys' baseball gloves and Astros t-shirts. 

On the morning of June 4th we drove to Houston for the "birthday party". As we got closer to Minute Maid Park, R2 said can't we just skip the party and go watch the Astros play?  Then R1 chimes in with I would have liked to have gone to the game yesterday, it was the Colby Rasmus bobble head giveaway. Hubs said no that give away is today. R1 said no it was the 4th. Hubs replies, today is the 4th. And with that I said guess what we are not going to a birthday party, WE ARE GOING TO THE ASTROS GAME and then took the exit to get to the ballpark. 

The boys were both so stunned. R1 just kept saying, really we're going? R2 just sat in complete silence. I have to say it was an awesome moment. I'm glad Hubs and I kept it a secret.

Here are two happy boys!

 

Here is R1 with his Colby Rasmus bobble head doll. See I told you, awesome and gross at the same time. 

 

Our seats for this game were right behind the bullpen. It was great to see the most of the pitchers and catchers hanging out and interacting with the fans.

 I snapped this of Collin McHugh warming up before the game. 

And this one of Jason Castro taking a break after warming up.  

Here are all three of my boys having a little fun while going into extra innings. This seems to happen pretty much any time I ask them to take a picture, shenanigans!

And the best part, the Astros beat the A's 6-5! Way to play boys!

This Kid Right Here!

I am so proud of this kid right here! R2 had awards day at his school yesterday and he received six. He received Student Council, Outstanding Science Student, Jurassic World Tour Guide, A/B Honor Roll Last 9 weeks, Famous Americans Participant, and the best award of all...Accelerated Reader Award. 

That's right folks, this kid who has dyslexia received the Accelerated Reader Award. What a testament to his hard work and his great teachers. His daddy and I could not be more proud of him. 

Way to go R2! You rocked 5th grade like the star that you are!

When You've Broken Up With Your Mother And It's Mother's Day

I love being a mother. It's one of the greatest things I've done in my life. Sure there are plenty of days where I feel like I have failed at my motherhood gig but it's the other days that out weigh that feeling and give me such a sense of pride. 

Isn't that what Mother's Day is about? When you look at your children and revel in their accomplishments. You feel that your heart is about to explode because you are just filled with so much love for them. And what about that moment when you realize you've helped them achieve something so great. It's those moments in life and your breath hitches and you just smile a grin that reaches from ear to ear. Yes, that's what it's all about, for me anyway.

But what do you do when you and your mother are no longer together, broken up and Mother’s Day no longer means the same thing for you as an adult as it did when you were a kid.

I read an article the other day about a woman who said her mother was more of an acquaintance to her since she made the decision to no longer have a substantial relationship with her.  I had a similar relationship with my mother only I chose to end the relationship with her completely. I haven’t spoken to or seen her in over 14 years.

My parents divorced when I was 18 years old and my brother was 14 years old. When I was younger my mom was great. She did all the wonderful things that parents do, go on field trips, put little note cards in my lunch, volunteer at school and a host of other little things. But something changed in her after she and my dad divorced. I have always referred to it as the time my mom went off the deep end. She became a bitter woman. She was spiteful, hateful, angry, controlling, and down right vindictive.

She left my brother and I shortly before I turned 19. I came home from college one day and she was packing. She informed me that she was moving with her boyfriend to Louisiana and my brother and I were not going with her.  I ended up taking care of my brother who was by now 15 for a few months until I was no longer able to do so.

It was a few years after my mother moved that I was finally able to finally reach out to her. I was quickly reminded that she was no longer the mother that I remembered from my childhood.  My grandmother had always wanted us to try and repair our relationship and because I loved my grandmother dearly, I tried. It was extremely difficult and my husband saw what a toll it took on me each time I spoke with her.

Several years later my grandmother passed away and mother called my house and left me a message on the answering machine. A very brief and very cold message.  It was at the point I made a conscious decision to cut all ties with this woman I no longer knew. Oh trust me I agonized over my choice for months before I finally broken down and wrote a letter to her. Somewhere along the way when I became a mother myself I realized this was not a healthy relationship for me or my family. I did not want my son to be exposed to her actions. But once I finally made the decision to “break up” with her I never looked back.

I wrote her one last letter letting her know of my decision and what had lead me to make that choice. As soon as I placed that letter in mail box I felt as if a 4,000 pound weight had been lifted off of me. About a week later I received a reply from her. I read it and then threw it away. Her words no longer hurt me they way that had in past. My decision had freed me.

But for some reason once a year as Mother’s Day approaches my mind wanders back to my childhood and the mother I had then. I’m not sad of over my choice and don’t regret it, I made peace with it years ago. 

But as I reflect back I can’t help but look forward too. And I am reminded of the mother I want to be. A mother who is kind and gracious. A mother who is there for the good times and the bad. A mother who will lift up her children when needed. A mother who is supportive and offers guidance. A mother who’s children knows that she has their back. A mother who is her children's biggest fan. A mother who wraps them in the tightest hug if only for second and tells them everyday how much they are loved. A mother who snuggles most every time her children ask. But most of all a mother who loves unconditionally and without end.

I'm Sad It's Over

Highschool baseball season ended for R1 Tuesday night and we ended it with a win. We played 25 games in two months and we traveled over 1600 miles. 

Thank you for the memories this season R1, I love to watch you play!

The 'Stros Are Back

Way to start of the home series boys! It's going to be a great season!

12 Days, 15 Hours, 27 Minutes, and 32 Seconds

Till one of my favorite days of the year, opening day for Major League Baseball.

All I can say is...

Let's go 'Stros! It's gonna be a great season!

 

It's Just Not The Same

It was my birthday a few days ago. Yep, I still have those, age usually does not bother me. This year I did pause for a brief moment and think to myself, dang! you are getting old. 

I received all the normal calls and text messages from family and friends but one was missing, my dad.

He always called me the day before and the day after my birthday and would sing to me, Happy Un-Birthday to you. And on the actual day he would call and sing Happy Birthday full blown with gusto in such a loud voice it made my ears hurt. I missed that this year. I have him singing to me on a voice mail but I could not bring myself to listen. The emptiness of him not being here weighed heavy on me and I just really wanted a semi happy day. 

I miss that man more than I ever thought possible. I keep telling myself time will lessen the hurt. But for this, time is moving so slowly. 

I am looking forward to the day when I am finally able to listen to that sweet sweet voice mail from my daddy and smile. 



 

 

 

 

STAAR - It's not what you think

Oh sure the by the TEA's definition (Texas Education Association) the meaning of STAAR is State of Texas Assessments of Academic Readiness. 

But my description it means STAAR is a STUPID, TERRIBLE AND AGGRAVATING REQUIRED test. I like my description better. And that's the clean version. 

Every year teachers and students here in Texas stress themselves out to see if the children they have been working with all year will fit into this mold the state says they must in order to achieve what they define as academic readiness. To me it's a bunch of BULLCRAP!

There is so much wrong with this test, but here are just a few points.

* Not all children learn the same. Even a child learns who does not have a learning disability does not process things in their brain the same way the child sitting right next to them does. 
Everyone is different, God made sure of that.

* Not all children think within the same box. Learning disability or not. Because 6+1=7 but you know what so does 3+4. It really doesn't matter how you get to the right answer as long as you get.

* Children with learning disabilities struggle to fit into the mold the state says they must fit into. Does this mean a child can not learn the same information that a child without a learning disability can, NO! A child with a learning disability can be extremely smart, their brain processes things in another way. 

Yes, lets repeat that last part, THEY LEARN DIFFERENTLY! No where in that statement does it say they stupid or dumb. What is says is that because they have a learning disability they think differently. It might take them a little longer but that's OK, they will get it.

So, here's the deal, should my child with dyslexia be exempt from this test, no he needs to learn the required grade material just like every other child in his grade. But what I am saying is this. He is an intelligent child. The way his brain works and how he just gets certain parts of things he is learning is awesome to witness. But why should he or any other child be made to fit into a box. Aren't we always telling our children think outside of the box? Be different, be yourself? Be a leader not a follower? 

I would love for the bureaucratic pencil pushing (which his kindergarten teacher probably taught him to hold properly) person sitting behind their desk who designed this test actually go sit in an elementary school classroom and take this test. I bet they would fail and fail horribly. I bet they wouldn't even have a clue about the material on the test. 

And I'll just leave it at that. Oh it's also a SENSELESS, TAXING AND ANNOYING REQUIREMENT!

I Love That You Still Love Me

Hubs and I have been married for eighteen years. 

I was a single mid twenty something year old doing my thing when a co-worker came up and said what do you think about him. I distinctly remember saying I don't, but only because I was quite comfortable with the place I was in during that stage of my life. Little did I know she had asked him what he thought about me. Over time I finally agreed to go out with him. 

Lunch was our first date, if you want to call it that because I paid for my own meal. But after that lunch date we were inseparable. We've been together ever since and I am so very thankful. 

We've seen a lot of things in our years together. We've experienced friends getting married, us and them buying homes, all of us having babies and watching them grow up. We've watched friends get divorced and loved ones pass away. We have also been through a few hurricanes, yes as in severe weather events, which is something I wish to never do again. We've enjoyed great days and some not so good ones. We have been down the road of life together. 

I can say this, and I know Hubs will agree, he's saint! He's put up with more from me than any man should have to or want to. He knows how I am and he just gets me. And I love him all the more for it. 

But through it all, the good, the bad, and the very ugly the one thing that has stayed constant is our love for each other. It's not the same as it was twenty something years ago. It's grown into something beautiful. 

I love that after all these years he still thinks I'm beautiful and tells me often. I love that we enjoy hanging out and spending time together. I love that we still find stuff to talk about. But most of all I love that he still loves me. 

Happy Birthday Daddy

Happy Birthday Daddy!

I miss you more and more each day but I know you are having the best birthday celebration in heaven with your parents and sister. I love you!

Grief Changes Shape But It Never Ends

So Wednesday was kind of a rough day for me. It stared off alright but as the day progressed so did the heavy feeling of missing my dad. By the time work was over and I got home I was in tears. 

All I wanted to do was curl up in my bed an go to sleep. Instead I thought it might help looking a pictures so I dug out some photos and quickly realized this was not a smart move. The pain of missing my dad, my aunt, and grandparents was just to much. It brought me to the deep place within my heart where it becomes unbearable. I just sat right down on the bed and cried. 

After a while I put the pictures away, wiped my faced, and pulled it together before my family got home. I managed to get dinner ready, make lunches for the next day, and even do some laundry. But by the time Hubs and I sat down to eat I just couldn't take it, I broke down again. I told him I hated feeling this way. I let him know I hate how this grief stuff sucks me in and grabs hold. We talked for a while and then he did the sweetest thing for me. He told me to just go get in bed and he would take of all of the evening stuff around the house. Honestly it made me love him even more than I already do. 

I can say sleep is a beautiful thing. It always seems to help. The griping pain of grief has subsided enough and I'm feeling a bit more OK. I know this is just part of the process. There is no time frame for when this will be over, as it will never be over. Grief becomes part of you, a part of who you are. It changes you.