Listening to God

One year ago, today I left my place of employment after fifteen years of service. After all those years I honestly thought I would retire from there. 

It wasn’t an easy decision but one I had been praying for in earnest for almost two years. I was asking God to move or to move me. As a result of listening to Him, I took that leap of faith and stepped out on the ocean and God caught my hand among the waves and he never let me sink. 

I left the most hostile and toxic work environment I had ever been in. Don’t get me wrong, the university I worked for was fine, but my department became too much to bear any longer. 

But God had an amazing opportunity waiting for me. One I never could have imagined. One where I am supported and encouraged. One where my experience and knowledge are valued and appreciated. One where my co-workers have become friends. 

So many wonderful things have happened in my life over the past year, and it is not lost on me they were all orchestrated by God. I gave Him full control and listened to him as he gently whispered over me what to do. 

As I’ve said before, God’s timing is perfect. I am thankful for his provisions and his blessings upon me and my family. 

I’m praying the next year is just incredible as the last one has been.

Worthy

I don’t think my boys read my blog and I think Hubs does from time to time. But I just need to put this all out into the void of the internet in the hope it helps ease my mind and heart.

So, a lot of things changed in my household over the summer. Reece was gone more than normal with baseball and Riley took a job for the entire summer at the camp where our church youth attends for one week each summer. Mind you this camp is in another state. But the big change was they both ended up with girlfriends this summer. Neither one had ever dated seriously, and I was excited they both found someone who they wanted to spend time with. Hubs and I have met both girls and we really like them. Reece and his girlfriend are still going strong at almost four months but recently Riley and his girlfriend, MW, broke up.

And here is where it gets tricky, at least for me, as this entire situation has woven itself into my life and will not let go. God has shown up in MW’s life in a real and tangible way. Her story is not mine to tell but our stories do have a small similarity, and it is one that pulls at my heart not only has a mom but as a girl. She has such a deep faith and personal relationship with the Lord. The kind of relationship I have prayed for over the years for any woman that would come into my children’s lives.

This week I have never wanted to run to another state and wrap my arms around someone so fast as I have this week. I remember the pain of a broken heart as a teenager and a young twenty something girl. It hurts me to know she is experiencing this and there is nothing I can do to fix it. As moms we just want to fix it when our children are hurting.

I have reached out to her and let her know that I am praying for her. I have asked God for specific details for her that I hope he hears and provides. I have prayed for Riley and her so many times this past week that I am certain God is tired of hearing their names fall from my lips. But I also know that in times of trails or struggle the Lord draws you closer to him and this time is no different. I can feel him working not only in their lives but mine as well.

Riley is my son and while I am being supportive of him, I also want to be supportive of MW. One thing that has played out in my mind over and over is that maybe my son is not worthy of her. Maybe God put it on his heart to break up with her so she can find and move forward to the one that he has created for her. The one that will cherish her, love her, provide for her, guide her, and simply just be her person. The one that HE has created just for her and for him. As painful as it is for her and for my mama heart to acknowledge, maybe this is why.

This is all new territory to Hubs and me as well. We have gotten attached to MW in such a short amount of time it will be hard for us to let her go. I know affairs of the heart get easier as time moves on, but this break up has affected me too. I only wanted to be one more person for her to do life with. To do all the things that parents do for their children. I hope that in the years to come I can still be some small part of her life, even if all I do is pray for her.

I am trusting God and his plan and his timing in this situation. I know God’s timing is always perfect. I have witnessed it firsthand. I believe with everything in me that He has someone who is completely and utterly worthy of her. And when she meets that someone, I hope they know how wonderful she truly is and how worthy they are of her.  

God's Timing Is Perfect

I posted this on Facebook on August 28. Which marked one year after Hurricane Harvey. 

"I am not the same person I was a year ago. Harvey changed me. 

We along with so many others we know lost our homes and everything we held close. I lost the sense of security my home provided for me and my family. 

But today I am focusing on the positive. I am choosing to see God's hand in all of this. I know it was only by His grace, peace, and timing we are where we are today. 

I'm not discounting the struggle to get here. It was tough. The emotional ties to certain items we lost still makes my breath catch when I think of them and still brings me to tears. And even thought we had a brand new home 3 months later, we were still fighting with the insurance company for another 4 months. 

However, in the midst of all the chaos I always felt peace. I felt God's presence and knew he would take care of us. I am so grateful for friends, high school classmates, family, and strangers who helped us. We are so much better off today than we were before Harvey. 

God's timing is always perfect."

It has been a whirlwind since I posted this.

Between all the memories of the one year anniversary stirred up combined with the Facebook memories which weren't helping either, I was feeling a sad. I had a Facebook memory pop up two days later that had me crying at the words R1 spoke.

There has been so much sadness that only piled on to those memories. This past week our community lost two teenagers in a tragic car accident. R1 had known one of them since kindergarten and the other since 8th grade, he even took her to their senior prom in May. 

So as you can see it's been a hard week.

But again I chose to focus on the positive and the one who gave me faith and hope.

Happy New Year - 2018

Happy New Year!

As I sit here reflect back on 2017 I am overwhelmed by the thoughts that just keep coming. It's almost like the waves crashing on the shoreline, one right after the other.

2017 was an emotional year to say the least. Losing our house and everything we owned was extremely difficult but through it all I always chose to stay positive. Sure there were bad days where I would sit in my own personal pity party because of my circumstances but I always pulled myself out and put an end to that. I had a family that needed me to focus on them and not my situation.

I always knew that God was in control and he was going to take care of me and my family. I just had a sense of peace. It's hard to describe. It was a faith I knew I had but never realized how deep it went. I just knew that we would come out of this and some how, some way, my family would survive and move on.

And we have moved on. We celebrated Christmas in our new home and New Year's Eve with new neighbors. 

But I have not forgotten what brought us here. I am definitely not the same person I was before the flood. Hurricane Harvey changed me. He left his mark deeply embedded on my life. 

Hurricane Harvey taught me a few things. I can do anything for a short amount of time. I am stronger than I give myself credit for. There are some wonderful people in the world who will come and help complete strangers because there was a need. I learned even though I said it was trash, it still was painful to toss it to the curb, but I also survived it all being thrown away. I have some pretty amazing friends. As long as my family is safe and they are with me, everything would be alright. I learned that everything is going to be OK, maybe not that day or the next or even 102 days later but in time it will be.

Words

I haven't posted anything in a while, but that is nothing new. Posting to my blog became sporadic as life took on new twists and turns. New adventures is how I tell my kids to look at them. 

To be honest, sometimes I like the old adventures, the new ones can sometimes be scary, even as an adult.

The past 90 days have been tough, a nightmare to be honest. The flood that destroyed our home and caused us to start a new adventure was not one any of us wanted to be on. It's still so painful and the hurt is still so raw. 

I can post pictures on here all day long, write words to describe our situation in detail but unless you personally experience it, it is hard to grasp, hard to wrap your head around and understand. I've wanted to blog about the flood but I can never find the right words to explain how deeply this has affected me and my family. 

Scared

Shattered

Torn

Grateful

Blessed

Hopeful

Thankful

We are all of these, every day and so much more.

September 11, 2001

2977, we must never forget. I will never forget.

Grief Changes Shape But It Never Ends

So Wednesday was kind of a rough day for me. It stared off alright but as the day progressed so did the heavy feeling of missing my dad. By the time work was over and I got home I was in tears. 

All I wanted to do was curl up in my bed an go to sleep. Instead I thought it might help looking a pictures so I dug out some photos and quickly realized this was not a smart move. The pain of missing my dad, my aunt, and grandparents was just to much. It brought me to the deep place within my heart where it becomes unbearable. I just sat right down on the bed and cried. 

After a while I put the pictures away, wiped my faced, and pulled it together before my family got home. I managed to get dinner ready, make lunches for the next day, and even do some laundry. But by the time Hubs and I sat down to eat I just couldn't take it, I broke down again. I told him I hated feeling this way. I let him know I hate how this grief stuff sucks me in and grabs hold. We talked for a while and then he did the sweetest thing for me. He told me to just go get in bed and he would take of all of the evening stuff around the house. Honestly it made me love him even more than I already do. 

I can say sleep is a beautiful thing. It always seems to help. The griping pain of grief has subsided enough and I'm feeling a bit more OK. I know this is just part of the process. There is no time frame for when this will be over, as it will never be over. Grief becomes part of you, a part of who you are. It changes you.

Three Long Weeks

This past week I've found myself picking up the phone to call my dad. Twice I have actually hit the button on my phone with his name only to very quickly hit end call. 

My dad and I never went longer than three days with out talking. These past three weeks have been challenging. 

Just today when I was leaving work I grabbed my phone to call him and tell him I'm BACATION. It's supposed to be vacation but when my brother was little he used to say bacation and it's just stuck. Every time one of us was on vacation we would call the other and as soon as they answered the phone let them know we were on BACATION!

And now high school baseball season is almost here and several things have happened this past week that my dad would have thought funny or interesting. 

It's just been difficult. I can't believe how quickly time has gone by. It seems like yesterday I was standing in the hospital hallway. 

There are good days where I only get choked up thinking about him and then there are the other days, the ugly days, for now I'll just leave it at that. 

I read an article yesterday where an adult lost one of her parents and as time went on she realized she no longer cried with sadness but cried with happiness because the love that flowed from her parent was so great and so strong you couldn't help but feel happy. I want to feel this way. I don't want my dad's passing to be sorrowful. I want it to be just like that. That his love for me was so strong that I felt it each and every time I was with him. 

I know I will get there. I know this is a process. I know God is still carrying me through the days. I know he only lets those ugly days come when he can hold me and whisper to my soul that I am going to be OK. But right now, I just want my daddy.

The Grief Journey

Never in a million years did I ever think I would be on this journey, the grief journey. 

Oh sure you know as you get older loved ones will pass away but you never fully comprehend it. Let me explain.

I was in my early twenties when I first experienced death. It was my great grandmother and while I loved her dearly I don’t think I ever fully grieved. I was young and there was still so much of my life left to live. Then a few years later my great grandfather died and again I was still young and life went on.

 A heart attack took my grandmother way too soon for my liking.  I was 33 when she went to heaven and I remember it like it was yesterday. All I can say is I was shattered.  Shattered like I had to pull over into a nearby McDonalds parking lot and cry. The next thing I remember is my boss knocking on my car window. And death paid me another visit. This time it was seven years later and it was my husband who lost his grandmother.

Fast forward all those years to November 2, 2015. The man I thought who would live forever, one of the greatest men I have ever known in my life past away.  My sweet daddy went to heaven.

When I tell you am devastated, I mean devastated, destroyed, crushed, and everything in between. There are no words for the grief journey I am on. One minute I’m fine and life is going along just as it should and then BAM I’m in a full on ugly cry.  Oh and let me tell you, I have had a few moments deep in the ugly cry where I said a few strong words to God about him taking my father and so on.

It is in those moments when I am screaming at God that I realize I am the most comforted. I knew I had faith in the Lord but I never knew just how deep that was faith until this. God has carried me. He has loved me, held me, and cherished me. He has let me say things to him that I would never say under normal circumstances. He knew that I would never be able to withstand the constant griping pain in my heart so he has let it come to me when he knew he would be able to ease my grief.  He knew I would need him to see me through this time in my life and he has never once left my side. He has let me know each day in some small way he is right there for me to sit in his lap and just be. I am so thankful we serve a gracious God. 

So to my sweet sweet daddy, I love you and I miss you dearly.  I take comfort in knowing you are with your parents and sister again. And I look forward to the day I can wrap my arms around you and hug you forever.  

September 11th

2977, we must never forget. I will never forget.

2977

September 11, 2001. 

2977 people lost their lives and families were changed forever.

I have not forgotten. We must never forget.

It's the hardest thing I've ever had to do as a parent

We all know there are several aspects of parenting that hard. For example when you child wants something and you tell them no and then they pitch a fit, when your child has a cold and there is nothing else you can do for them beside sit with them, or when another child is mean to yours and you have to explain the situation to your child. 

But never in my years of parenting (like they have been soooo many) have even thought I might have to tell my child that one of his teachers has passed away.  Just typing it makes me want to cry all over again. 

Long story short, because it's really to long but more over sad to recount, last week, one of R2's teachers passed away. It was his dyslexia teacher. He spends 45 minutes 5 days a week with her. She was a wonderful teacher and so patient with him and all of her students. But more than that she was a wonderful person, wife, mother, and friend. 

The Monday back from Christmas break she had some health issues and because of those we began to talk with R2 then because her death might result from these issues. So Hubs and I thought it was best to keep informed of certain things. I'm really glad we did because when the news came of her death, he already some idea of her condition and while it was still a shock it wasn't a complete blow to him. 

We talked about it and answered any and all questions he had. 

But what surprised me the most his response after we told him. He just said, mom, I know she's in heaven and I'm going to see her again one day. Oh the wisdom of an eight year old child. 

Stephanie, thank you for loving my child. Thank you for teaching him and helping him to overcome his dyslexia. Thank you for being such a wonderful teacher and friend. There will never be another one like you. You will be missed.

One of the best days ever!

This was one of the best days not only in my life but in R2's life as well. It will be a day he will always remember. 

 

Redeemed

So there has been a song on the radio that has completely taken me over.


Redeemed by Big Daddy Weave.

I find myself singing the lyrics, mostly the chorus, several times a day at the oddest times.

“So I’ll shake off these heavy chains, wipe away every stain now, I’m not who I used to be, I am redeemed.”

Oh just those few short words have brought me to tears over the joy that God has enough grace to love me. Enough grace to forgive me and all of my faults and failures. Everything that has bound me has been removed by God. He has redeemed me. He has changed me and made me His own. And for that I am grateful.



 

God's Love

My heart is still just so heavy right now. The events that took place in Newtown, CT. last week have really hit home for me.

I didn't want to admit to Hubs but Monday morning when he and the boys left for school I was a bit nervous. My whole world walked out the door at 7:20AM and headed off to school.

My heart is breaking for the families who kissed their loved ones and said have a good day, I'll see you later and later never came.

May God wrap his loving arms around each and everyone affected by this tragedy. May he give them the strength, peace, and comfort they need. 

 

We must never forget

We must never forget 9-11 and what that means for our country. I'm sure each of you can remember exactly what you were doing when you heard the news, I know I do.

Here is a story I posted last year.

2977, we must never forget. I will never forget.

Happy Easter

I hope each of you have a wonderful Easter.

Stepping Up with Beth Moore

So I'm in another bible study at church and before I even knew what the study was about I had decided to skip it.

I figured I had just done one in October and my heart just wasn't really into doing this one.

But thankfully God has a sense of humor because when I told him, umm God I think I'll sit this one out. He laughed at me. Not just any laugh but a big belly laugh.

We are studying Beth Moore's Stepping Up: A Journey Though the Pslams of Ascent.

The group actually started last week but I wanted to go a little deeper into the study before I mentioned it.

It's about going deeper with God. Taking the next step in your relationship with Him. To go where He where He will guide you.

I know that sounds scary to some. Going into the unknown. Even if it is with God, the unknown is a scary thing.

Not me. I'm excited. I'm actually pumped about this study.

See God knew what this study was about even long before I did. An ascension. A journey drawing me nearer to Him.

And this is one of the things I have been praying for. A closer relationship with Him. So yea, God laughed at me when I said no to this study.

Because this is exactly where He wants me to be. Stepping Up to Him.

On with the new year

Happy New Year!

I hope everyone had a great New Years Eve. We had a great time with friends that came over. And we ate and laughed, and popped fireworks and ate some more.

I have been doing some thinking about the past year recently. While 2011 wasn't the best year, it certainly wasn't the worst. But I wouldn't be honest if I didn't say I was glad to be moving on.

2011 always starts off with me missing Pam-Maw as she will have been gone for three years on January 4th. But then something wonderful happens as we celebrate the birth of R2 who will be turning 7 towards the end of the month.

Oh baseball season is just around the corner too.

R1 graduated from elementary school and moved on to Jr. High where he has been doing great. All that worrying done for nothing. R2 graduated from Kindergarten. We also found out he was dyslexic, but we also got and early start on the help he needed and he is making such wonderful strides in First grade. I am so thankful for the Kindergarten teach he had and the teacher he has now.

I also made it through the summer with 127 degree heat along with no rain and lived to tell about it. We are still in a drought even though we have had some rain, but it hasn't been nearly enough to catch us up.

One of the big highlights of 2011 happened just recently. Hubs graduated with his Masters degree in Educational Technology Leadership. The boys and I couldn't be more proud of him.

Another amazing thing that happened in 2011, is I began in earnest to pray everyday. I wanted to develop a closer prayer life with the Lord. So I asked him everyday to lead me to prayer time with Him.

I can honestly say God does answer prayers. Each day if I got distracted or to busy, the Lord gently nudged me and reminded me to pray. I thanked Him each day for bringing me closer to Him and for leading me to that time.

While I won't go into all of the specifics of what I prayed for, there were things I prayed every day and things I thanked Him for too. Such as the blessings of my husband, my children, family, friends, health, the ability to worship Him openly. I also prayed for the future wives of boys.

But here is the part where I know our God listens and answers prayers. Hubs and I had an issue that arose around October. I prayed everyday about this situation. He says to ask for specific things, so I did. And last week the issue resolved itself. That was almost three months of prayer everyday. I prayed the same specific prayer each time. There were also other trying moments of 2011 that I went to Him and just simply asked His will to be done. And no matter what the out come, I would do whatever it was He wanted me to.

I am so glad the Lord placed on my heart to have a deeper relationship with Him. I have been blessed over and over by this time with Him.

As we begin 2012 I pray each of you has a wonderful year filled with blessings.

Unexpected Blessing

Y'all know we are in an education budget crunch right now.

And with that comes cut backs and so on.

One of the things Hubs' school district decided to cut last year before renewing anyone's contract was their longevity pay. The school district would pay their employees "X" number of dollars for every year they worked there. They would always pay in one lump sum and always the first Monday in December. It was a nice Christmas bonus to add what we had already saved during the year.

The school district didn't really didn't stop the program but decided to suspend it until the financial situation improved.

Monday night the school district had their monthly board meeting and decided that since the money they had budgeted for longevity pay was still sitting in the account, they would go ahead and give the teachers their pay, just like they have in the past.

Hubs received and email late Monday from the Superintendent telling him about this decision.

What an unexpected blessing and Christmas will be a little merrier this year.