Monday, November 30, 2015

Black Friday Extravaganza

Happy late Thanksgiving! I hope it was good. 

My best friend Beth and her daughter Alex and I started a tradition back in 2009 to go shopping on Black Friday. That first year we left my house at 5am. 5AM! We were crazy!

The only time we didn't go was last year when we were at Disney the week of Thanksgiving but other than that, we haven't missed a year. And to top it off when I say we shop, we shop. Like anywhere between eleven to thirteen hours of shopping. We usually find some really great deals and we are never rushed and just kinda go with the flow. 

So this year on Black Friday we left at 6:30AM for our annual shopping extravaganza. We started out with a quick stop for breakfast and then on to the following stores:

American Eagle
JC Penneys
Shoe Department
Forever 21
Dress Barn
Shoe Carnival

I'm sure I have missed a few stores in there but you get the idea. 

And in true shopping fashion we shopped till dropped, almost eleven hours worth. My boys were slow in providing me with a list of what they wanted so I just kinda winged it. I scored a few good deals. One of the best deals of the day for me was a $40 shirt that I purchased for just $5. Beth found some great deals and just about finished her shopping. 

And of course we stopped for our traditional lunch of Tex-Mex. We hit one of our favorite places and we practically inhaled our food we were so hungry. 

I pulled into my drive way at 5:30pm and promptly got on the couch and did not move. I was worn out. But the two things that made me the most happy were I got to spend some time with my girls and I had put the Christmas tree up Thanksgiving night. 

Sometimes it's the little things that bring the greatest joy. 

Wednesday, November 25, 2015

Three Long Weeks

This past week I've found myself picking up the phone to call my dad. Twice I have actually hit the button on my phone with his name only to very quickly hit end call. 

My dad and I never went longer than three days with out talking. These past three weeks have been challenging. 

Just today when I was leaving work I grabbed my phone to call him and tell him I'm BACATION. It's supposed to be vacation but when my brother was little he used to say bacation and it's just stuck. Every time one of us was on vacation we would call the other and as soon as they answered the phone let them know we were on BACATION!

And now high school baseball season is almost here and several things have happened this past week that my dad would have thought funny or interesting. 

It's just been difficult. I can't believe how quickly time has gone by. It seems like yesterday I was standing in the hospital hallway. 

There are good days where I only get choked up thinking about him and then there are the other days, the ugly days, for now I'll just leave it at that. 

I read an article yesterday where an adult lost one of her parents and as time went on she realized she no longer cried with sadness but cried with happiness because the love that flowed from her parent was so great and so strong you couldn't help but feel happy. I want to feel this way. I don't want my dad's passing to be sorrowful. I want it to be just like that. That his love for me was so strong that I felt it each and every time I was with him. 

I know I will get there. I know this is a process. I know God is still carrying me through the days. I know he only lets those ugly days come when he can hold me and whisper to my soul that I am going to be OK. But right now, I just want my daddy.

Monday, November 16, 2015

The Grief Journey

Never in a million years did I ever think I would be on this journey, the grief journey. 

Oh sure you know as you get older loved ones will pass away but you never fully comprehend it. Let me explain.

I was in my early twenties when I first experienced death. It was my great grandmother and while I loved her dearly I don’t think I ever fully grieved. I was young and there was still so much of my life left to live. Then a few years later my great grandfather died and again I was still young and life went on.

 A heart attack took my grandmother way too soon for my liking.  I was 33 when she went to heaven and I remember it like it was yesterday. All I can say is I was shattered.  Shattered like I had to pull over into a nearby McDonalds parking lot and cry. The next thing I remember is my boss knocking on my car window. And death paid me another visit. This time it was seven years later and it was my husband who lost his grandmother.

Fast forward all those years to November 2, 2015. The man I thought who would live forever, one of the greatest men I have ever known in my life past away.  My sweet daddy went to heaven.

When I tell you am devastated, I mean devastated, destroyed, crushed, and everything in between. There are no words for the grief journey I am on. One minute I’m fine and life is going along just as it should and then BAM I’m in a full on ugly cry.  Oh and let me tell you, I have had a few moments deep in the ugly cry where I said a few strong words to God about him taking my father and so on.

It is in those moments when I am screaming at God that I realize I am the most comforted. I knew I had faith in the Lord but I never knew just how deep that was faith until this. God has carried me. He has loved me, held me, and cherished me. He has let me say things to him that I would never say under normal circumstances. He knew that I would never be able to withstand the constant griping pain in my heart so he has let it come to me when he knew he would be able to ease my grief.  He knew I would need him to see me through this time in my life and he has never once left my side. He has let me know each day in some small way he is right there for me to sit in his lap and just be. I am so thankful we serve a gracious God. 

So to my sweet sweet daddy, I love you and I miss you dearly.  I take comfort in knowing you are with your parents and sister again. And I look forward to the day I can wrap my arms around you and hug you forever.  

Monday, November 9, 2015

The Greatest Man I've Ever Known

My heart is broken. 

I love you my sweet daddy and I will miss you.