Tuesday, September 20, 2016

Number 19

Nineteen years ago today in front of our family and friends Hubs and I said I do.

As usual when you get married in September you never have the opportunity to celebrate your anniversary until sometime in November after all of the back to school activities have died down and high school football season is almost over.  

This year is no different and we will be celebrating in style as I bring Hubs lunch at school from Subway and we watch R1 play baseball later in the evening.

Happy 19th anniversary Hubs. I love you more today than I did all those years ago when we said I do. 

Tuesday, September 13, 2016

Time Changes Nothing

Grief, it's a funny thing. Some days it feels all most non-existent and other days, well it feels like it is strangling me and it won't ever let go. 

Those are what I call the bad days. 

When the pain of losing my dad grabs hold so strong and pulls me under. I can not describe how it feels other than to say this, when you are out on a boat and standing on the edge, looking down and you jump in and sink down into the water and open your eyes expecting to see some sort of light but you only see darkness. It is quiet and lonely and you are the only one there. 

Those are the days that I feel as if the pain of losing him will never end. The deep deep sorrow that grips my heart and pulls me in farther away from my life. It keeps me from being a good wife, mother, and friend. Probably just a good person in general. 

When those days come I just want to close the blinds, crawl into bed, and pull the covers up and not feel. And if I'm being truthful, which I am, I have done this a time or two. I hear this is normal. I hear it's normal to be so deep in grief that you don't want to feel anything. But I don't know what is normal when dealing with grief. How can anyone say what is normal when each of our journeys are different. 

I'm thankful that my God is loving and merciful and everyday on this grief journey he provides me with grace. I know it is how I make it through the days when the ache of missing my daddy is kept to the outer edge and not allowed to creep in. 

However, it's been ten months since I've talked to my dad. 304 days since I've heard his voice. Dad and I were extremely close. We never went more than three days without talking, even if we were upset with one another, we still called. I still miss the sound of his voice and being in his presence.

I would like to say that I've made peace with the pain of losing him but I haven't. It's always there just below the surface ready to burst out at any given moment. I still miss him just as much today, if not more, than the day he died. 

For me, time has changed nothing. Death changed everything but time has not. 

Sunday, September 11, 2016

September 11, 2001

2977, we must never forget. I will never forget.

Tuesday, August 23, 2016

Eleventh Grade and Sixth Grade

I swear this summer just flew by. I'm not sure if it's because we were so busy we couldn't keep the days straight or that we just didn't have anything really going on and the days all just melted into each other. 

But here we are as another school year begins.

I'm now the mom of an eleventh grader and a sixth grader. I just shed a tear as my breath hitched as I typed that sentence. It still has not sunk in that I have a junior in high school. When did that happen, how did that happen. I know how it happened, Father Time played a nasty trick on me and sped up the clock each day.

I'm OK with R2 going into 6th grade, really I am. I've been down this road before so it's familiar. I wasn't ready for R1 to start 6th grade but I know he was ready and it is the same thing for R2, he's ready and I'm not. 

All of this just means they are growing up and it is all just happening to fast for my liking. 

Here is the first day obligatory picture. They were both over it and clearly I wasn't. But you can't see the 4,286 pictures that I made them take that all sitting on my phone.


Sunday, August 7, 2016

Happy Birthday Hubs

Today Hubs turns another year older. 

This man has been my best friend and my rock. He's been my protector, advise giver and comforter. He's also been my chef, travel partner, and sporting event companion. 

 He has been the best husband and father I ever wished for. 

But he's been so much more than that. He's been the person that I've done life with for the past 21 years. I don't think I will ever be able to put into adequate words just how much this all means to me. 
You and the boys are my best dreams come true. I am truly blessed to be on this adventure with you. 

Happy Birthday Day and I love you!

Wednesday, July 6, 2016


It feels like yesterday you were this little. 

And then just like that I blinked and you turned 16. 


I will love you forever and ever.

Wednesday, June 29, 2016

One of the High Costs of Having a Teenager

So R1 turns 16 in a few short weeks. Today I called the car insurance company to see how much it would cost for us to him to our insurance. 

I have two words for you, Oh my! I think my head might have exploded just a tad bit when the very nice woman told me how much my car insurance would go up each month. I even asked her to double to check that I received my child minor discount since I have been with them for over five years. Not only did I receive that discount but because R1 has a better than "B" average in school I received another discount. See kids, good grades do pay off, in the amount of car insurance your parents have to pay in order for you to be able to drive a car.

I called Hubs and gave him the bad news. And right after those few words came out of my mouth my head began to pound. 

I immediately began to think about all of the kids out there who R1 is friends with whose parents car insurance will also go up but those parents who purchased brand cars for those kids. So now you are talking about a car note as well. 

I would love to give my kids everything their hearts desire along with what my heart desires for them to have. But that is just not going to happen. I refuse to go into that kind of debt at this stage in the game. 

Hubs and I talked about maybe buying him a brand new one when he graduates from high school that way it will last him all four years of college and few years beyond that and then he can purchase his next new car but that is a few years away. Right now I'm trying to absorb the shock of the increase to my car insurance. 

Well I'm off to find some Advil or a big glass of wine or both. Anything to help with the pounding that is going on inside my head.