This Kid Right Here!

I am so proud of this kid right here! R2 had awards day at his school yesterday and he received six. He received Student Council, Outstanding Science Student, Jurassic World Tour Guide, A/B Honor Roll Last 9 weeks, Famous Americans Participant, and the best award of all...Accelerated Reader Award. 

That's right folks, this kid who has dyslexia received the Accelerated Reader Award. What a testament to his hard work and his great teachers. His daddy and I could not be more proud of him. 

Way to go R2! You rocked 5th grade like the star that you are!

When You've Broken Up With Your Mother And It's Mother's Day

I love being a mother. It's one of the greatest things I've done in my life. Sure there are plenty of days where I feel like I have failed at my motherhood gig but it's the other days that out weigh that feeling and give me such a sense of pride. 

Isn't that what Mother's Day is about? When you look at your children and revel in their accomplishments. You feel that your heart is about to explode because you are just filled with so much love for them. And what about that moment when you realize you've helped them achieve something so great. It's those moments in life and your breath hitches and you just smile a grin that reaches from ear to ear. Yes, that's what it's all about, for me anyway.

But what do you do when you and your mother are no longer together, broken up and Mother’s Day no longer means the same thing for you as an adult as it did when you were a kid.

I read an article the other day about a woman who said her mother was more of an acquaintance to her since she made the decision to no longer have a substantial relationship with her.  I had a similar relationship with my mother only I chose to end the relationship with her completely. I haven’t spoken to or seen her in over 14 years.

My parents divorced when I was 18 years old and my brother was 14 years old. When I was younger my mom was great. She did all the wonderful things that parents do, go on field trips, put little note cards in my lunch, volunteer at school and a host of other little things. But something changed in her after she and my dad divorced. I have always referred to it as the time my mom went off the deep end. She became a bitter woman. She was spiteful, hateful, angry, controlling, and down right vindictive.

She left my brother and I shortly before I turned 19. I came home from college one day and she was packing. She informed me that she was moving with her boyfriend to Louisiana and my brother and I were not going with her.  I ended up taking care of my brother who was by now 15 for a few months until I was no longer able to do so.

It was a few years after my mother moved that I was finally able to finally reach out to her. I was quickly reminded that she was no longer the mother that I remembered from my childhood.  My grandmother had always wanted us to try and repair our relationship and because I loved my grandmother dearly, I tried. It was extremely difficult and my husband saw what a toll it took on me each time I spoke with her.

Several years later my grandmother passed away and mother called my house and left me a message on the answering machine. A very brief and very cold message.  It was at the point I made a conscious decision to cut all ties with this woman I no longer knew. Oh trust me I agonized over my choice for months before I finally broken down and wrote a letter to her. Somewhere along the way when I became a mother myself I realized this was not a healthy relationship for me or my family. I did not want my son to be exposed to her actions. But once I finally made the decision to “break up” with her I never looked back.

I wrote her one last letter letting her know of my decision and what had lead me to make that choice. As soon as I placed that letter in mail box I felt as if a 4,000 pound weight had been lifted off of me. About a week later I received a reply from her. I read it and then threw it away. Her words no longer hurt me they way that had in past. My decision had freed me.

But for some reason once a year as Mother’s Day approaches my mind wanders back to my childhood and the mother I had then. I’m not sad of over my choice and don’t regret it, I made peace with it years ago. 

But as I reflect back I can’t help but look forward too. And I am reminded of the mother I want to be. A mother who is kind and gracious. A mother who is there for the good times and the bad. A mother who will lift up her children when needed. A mother who is supportive and offers guidance. A mother who’s children knows that she has their back. A mother who is her children's biggest fan. A mother who wraps them in the tightest hug if only for second and tells them everyday how much they are loved. A mother who snuggles most every time her children ask. But most of all a mother who loves unconditionally and without end.

I'm Sad It's Over

Highschool baseball season ended for R1 Tuesday night and we ended it with a win. We played 25 games in two months and we traveled over 1600 miles. 

Thank you for the memories this season R1, I love to watch you play!

The 'Stros Are Back

Way to start of the home series boys! It's going to be a great season!

12 Days, 15 Hours, 27 Minutes, and 32 Seconds

Till one of my favorite days of the year, opening day for Major League Baseball.

All I can say is...

Let's go 'Stros! It's gonna be a great season!

 

It's Just Not The Same

It was my birthday a few days ago. Yep, I still have those, age usually does not bother me. This year I did pause for a brief moment and think to myself, dang! you are getting old. 

I received all the normal calls and text messages from family and friends but one was missing, my dad.

He always called me the day before and the day after my birthday and would sing to me, Happy Un-Birthday to you. And on the actual day he would call and sing Happy Birthday full blown with gusto in such a loud voice it made my ears hurt. I missed that this year. I have him singing to me on a voice mail but I could not bring myself to listen. The emptiness of him not being here weighed heavy on me and I just really wanted a semi happy day. 

I miss that man more than I ever thought possible. I keep telling myself time will lessen the hurt. But for this, time is moving so slowly. 

I am looking forward to the day when I am finally able to listen to that sweet sweet voice mail from my daddy and smile. 



 

 

 

 

STAAR - It's not what you think

Oh sure the by the TEA's definition (Texas Education Association) the meaning of STAAR is State of Texas Assessments of Academic Readiness. 

But my description it means STAAR is a STUPID, TERRIBLE AND AGGRAVATING REQUIRED test. I like my description better. And that's the clean version. 

Every year teachers and students here in Texas stress themselves out to see if the children they have been working with all year will fit into this mold the state says they must in order to achieve what they define as academic readiness. To me it's a bunch of BULLCRAP!

There is so much wrong with this test, but here are just a few points.

* Not all children learn the same. Even a child learns who does not have a learning disability does not process things in their brain the same way the child sitting right next to them does. 
Everyone is different, God made sure of that.

* Not all children think within the same box. Learning disability or not. Because 6+1=7 but you know what so does 3+4. It really doesn't matter how you get to the right answer as long as you get.

* Children with learning disabilities struggle to fit into the mold the state says they must fit into. Does this mean a child can not learn the same information that a child without a learning disability can, NO! A child with a learning disability can be extremely smart, their brain processes things in another way. 

Yes, lets repeat that last part, THEY LEARN DIFFERENTLY! No where in that statement does it say they stupid or dumb. What is says is that because they have a learning disability they think differently. It might take them a little longer but that's OK, they will get it.

So, here's the deal, should my child with dyslexia be exempt from this test, no he needs to learn the required grade material just like every other child in his grade. But what I am saying is this. He is an intelligent child. The way his brain works and how he just gets certain parts of things he is learning is awesome to witness. But why should he or any other child be made to fit into a box. Aren't we always telling our children think outside of the box? Be different, be yourself? Be a leader not a follower? 

I would love for the bureaucratic pencil pushing (which his kindergarten teacher probably taught him to hold properly) person sitting behind their desk who designed this test actually go sit in an elementary school classroom and take this test. I bet they would fail and fail horribly. I bet they wouldn't even have a clue about the material on the test. 

And I'll just leave it at that. Oh it's also a SENSELESS, TAXING AND ANNOYING REQUIREMENT!

I Love That You Still Love Me

Hubs and I have been married for eighteen years. 

I was a single mid twenty something year old doing my thing when a co-worker came up and said what do you think about him. I distinctly remember saying I don't, but only because I was quite comfortable with the place I was in during that stage of my life. Little did I know she had asked him what he thought about me. Over time I finally agreed to go out with him. 

Lunch was our first date, if you want to call it that because I paid for my own meal. But after that lunch date we were inseparable. We've been together ever since and I am so very thankful. 

We've seen a lot of things in our years together. We've experienced friends getting married, us and them buying homes, all of us having babies and watching them grow up. We've watched friends get divorced and loved ones pass away. We have also been through a few hurricanes, yes as in severe weather events, which is something I wish to never do again. We've enjoyed great days and some not so good ones. We have been down the road of life together. 

I can say this, and I know Hubs will agree, he's saint! He's put up with more from me than any man should have to or want to. He knows how I am and he just gets me. And I love him all the more for it. 

But through it all, the good, the bad, and the very ugly the one thing that has stayed constant is our love for each other. It's not the same as it was twenty something years ago. It's grown into something beautiful. 

I love that after all these years he still thinks I'm beautiful and tells me often. I love that we enjoy hanging out and spending time together. I love that we still find stuff to talk about. But most of all I love that he still loves me. 

Happy Birthday Daddy

Happy Birthday Daddy!

I miss you more and more each day but I know you are having the best birthday celebration in heaven with your parents and sister. I love you!

Grief Changes Shape But It Never Ends

So Wednesday was kind of a rough day for me. It stared off alright but as the day progressed so did the heavy feeling of missing my dad. By the time work was over and I got home I was in tears. 

All I wanted to do was curl up in my bed an go to sleep. Instead I thought it might help looking a pictures so I dug out some photos and quickly realized this was not a smart move. The pain of missing my dad, my aunt, and grandparents was just to much. It brought me to the deep place within my heart where it becomes unbearable. I just sat right down on the bed and cried. 

After a while I put the pictures away, wiped my faced, and pulled it together before my family got home. I managed to get dinner ready, make lunches for the next day, and even do some laundry. But by the time Hubs and I sat down to eat I just couldn't take it, I broke down again. I told him I hated feeling this way. I let him know I hate how this grief stuff sucks me in and grabs hold. We talked for a while and then he did the sweetest thing for me. He told me to just go get in bed and he would take of all of the evening stuff around the house. Honestly it made me love him even more than I already do. 

I can say sleep is a beautiful thing. It always seems to help. The griping pain of grief has subsided enough and I'm feeling a bit more OK. I know this is just part of the process. There is no time frame for when this will be over, as it will never be over. Grief becomes part of you, a part of who you are. It changes you.

Baseball Makes Me Happy

It's high school baseball season!  And not that I'm counting or anything but it's also 61 days till MLB opening day. Y'all know how happy this makes me? I can't even explain it. 

I've got something else to be even more excited about. This kid made the high school JV baseball team.  

 

Back in August of 2015 we talked with him about putting in the work and improving on all of his skills. I am proud to say he put in that extra work, 3-4 times a week. He has a phenomenal catching coach who has worked with him and helped him get more comfortable behind the plate while honing his craft. It's been awesome to see the transformation.

R1, I can't wait to watch you play this year.  It's going to be amazing!

How To Say No

I read an article yesterday about how to say no in three sentences. And just in case, the three of you who read this blog are interested, here is the link to that article. 

This article hit home for me as recently I evaluated the things I have said yes to.

I sat and prayed over those things I am involved and literally asked does this bring me joy? Does it take more time away from my family than I am willing to give? Does it stress me out to be involved? Do I lose slept over it? 

As I started to analyze each club or team that I belonged to and ask those questions, I realized my answers were yes to the majority of them. 

It was at that point I decided to step away from the groups. I can say I took the classy road and thanked each person that asked me to participate and let them know I was taking a step back. 

I didn't totally back out from everything, I kept myself involved in two things. And to be honest I'm still considering those two things. 

My family time and personal time are precious. I do not want to be involved in things that take away from them.

So as the new year moves forward and if the opportunity arises for me to be involved I have decided to be very picky about what I am involved in. 

 

Happy 11th Birthday R2!

 

 This little firecracker turns 11 years old today. 

Eleven years has gone by so fast. I feel like just yesterday you were five and I was walking you down the kindergarten hallway at school and BLINK, now you are eleven.

Your laugh is infectious. Your wit is humorous and you use sarcasm at all the correct times. You have a love for the outdoors and when ever possible you are outside. You enjoy baseball and basketball and I love to watch you play. You are very encouraging to your teammates, always telling them good job or giving them a high-five. You have a fierce love for your brother, dad, and me. You have a love for God so big it amazes me. 

HAPPY BIRTHDAY R2! I love you!
 

The Great Sickness Of, Who Am I Kidding, We've Started Out Every Year Sick

Yep, we've started off every year for the last six years with someone being sick. The only year we didn't was 2015 and it must have been a fluke. Or we were over exposed to germs after being at Disney during Thanksgiving and we had built up our immunity.

This past week R2 had been feeling under the weather and running a low grade fever. Not enough for him to stay home but just enough for him to feel miserable. By Friday I knew I did not want to go into a long weekend with him sick so I took him to the doctors office. 

Let me say I love our pediatrician. He is amazing and so is his partner. My kids like both of them. There are two other doctors in his practice that I do not feel this way about and lets just leave it at that. So I called the pediatricians office Friday morning and our regular doctor was already booked for the day so I was stuck with one of the less than stellar physicians in the practice. I wasn't happy about it but my priority was R2 so off we went. 

The nurse took all the vitals and then put us in a room where we waited a few minutes before the doctor came in. He listened to R2's breathing and asked me if he had asthma. I said no and he said really? I'm thinking to myself at this point, hello!, you have his chart and if I said he doesn't have asthma and you are hearing something funny please let me know. He says nothing is wrong and to keep doing the over the counter meds we have been using for the past few days. Red flags are going off and I ask are you sure because he doesn't have asthma and if something is wrong we are going into a holiday weekend. He says he's fine and then tells us to have a good day. 

R2's cough just keeps getting worse all weekend and bright and early Monday morning I call the doctors office and make an appointment with our pediatrician. We go into the office at our scheduled time and our doctor checks R2 and out and then says he has bronchial pnenonmia. AWESOME, said no one ever. I thank out doctor and let him know that we were here on Friday and the doctor then didn't seem to think there was anything wrong with him. He apologizes and says a few other things to me and then sends over R2's three prescriptions to the pharmacy we use. 

So R2 now has daily breathing treatments, a steriod pack, and an antibiotic pack. And by last night he was feeling just a little bit better.

All that just say I'm tired of the great sickness. I hate it when my kids are sick and there is nothing I can do but sit with them. I'm ready for some wellness.

Hello 2016

Well I think it's safe to say that we have been adjusting to the new year quite nicely. Going back to school/work was a whole other issue but we have adjusted. 

We really enjoyed our two week break. We slept late, watched tv, and ate way too much food. 

The first week of was a flurry of family visits to celebrate the holidays. We had Christmas with my brother and niece on Monday and then on Tuesday we had Christmas with Hubs' side of the family. His parents are getting older and the issues that occur with age make for some hilarious events in our family. 

Wednesday Hubs and I saw the Blue Man Group. All I can about this is if you haven't seen them, you must! 

Thursday was Christmas eve and we attended candle light service at church and then went to the BFF's house for homemade pizzas and desserts. Then it was off to look at Christmas lights. Friday was Christmas where I proceeded to accomplish my goal of staying in my pj's all day. And I'm happy to report, it was glorious. 

And since too many days have passed since then I can not tell you what we did over that weekend. Sorry. 

The second week off was just as busy only it was running the boys to from baseball workouts or returning items that we didn't want. But Thursday everyone came over for some good old fashion grilled hotdogs, snack food, games, and fireworks. Yep that's how we roll on New Year's Eve. Oh and let me just say this, it was so cold while we popped fireworks in the rain that I broke out my portable propane heater that I use while attending baseball games in freezing cold weather. Here's the proof that I stayed nice and toasty warm. 

And once again on New Year's Day I managed to stay in my pj's all day. I think I finally took a shower around 9:00pm only to put on a clean pair of pajamas. 

Oh one other exciting thing that happened is that over the course of the first week I began to get more and more disgusted with our livingroom furniture. I like our couch, it's only two years old but the chairs, not so much. They needed to go. One of them is so old it's been around longer than Hubs and I have been married. So we made a trip to Houston to go look at furniture. I looked around our town but there wasn't anything that spoke to me and said oh I just have to be in your livingroom. And I can say that Hubs and I are now the proud owners of two new livingroom chairs. One chair is a leather power recliner. As R1 says we are fancy since we have a power recliner. Truth be told I would have preferred not to have a power recliner, to me that is just one more thing that can break and what if the power goes out, I can't put my feet up and relax. The other chair is what I call my mama chair. It's got a higher back and is over sized so I can sit sideways and hang my feet over the side. Or curl up in it with a good book and a blanket. 

I have decided that you know you are an adult when you get exciting about purchasing anyone of the following:

new car
building a home
new furniture
new appliances
new light fixtures/ceiling fans
new back porch furniture
new rugs

See, I told adult happiness!

And now I'm off to curl up with a blanket and a book in my new leather power recliner, because I'm fancy like that.

Good Bye 2015, It's Been Real. Hello 2016!

Well it's the last day of the year. 2015 has come and is just a few hours of being gone. This year has truly flown by and I'm still trying to figure out where March, July, and August went. 

I blinked and just like, they are gone. 

As I look back on 2015 I realize life happened. The mundane of everyday turned into something wonderful and made me realize that life, family, and friendships are precious. 

The boys and their activities took up a lot of our time but I wouldn't trade a moment of it. R1 made the baseball team at school his Freshman year and he had a fabulous season. R2 made All-Stars for basketball and in the process he realized he like basketball but he loved baseball more. 

R2 has excelled with his new Dyslexia teacher at school. He is actually enjoyed school more and this makes me happy. And as with everything school related for him I continue to have a fight within myself making sure I've left no stone unturned when it comes to his education. 

I took some time for myself and went on a girls weekend to the beach and had a blast! In fact we had so much fun we are talking about taking trip in January. For me and another friend it will be some much needed laughter, relaxation, and fun. 

We had a small living room remodel and I busted out my DYI skills and painted the tile on the fireplace and we had cabinets with bookshelves installed. Oh and just yesterday we bought some new furniture and had it delivered. I feel like such a grown up. 

In October I hit a deer with my car. R1 and I were driving home from a meeting and the deer ran out in front of me. R1 laughed when the deer got up and ran off. He also laughed at me when I called Hubs and he didn't believe me when I told him I hit a deer.  I was glad R1 wasn't driving, he's still to much of a novice. The car was fixed and I'm thankful there wasn't more damage than there was.  

Another highlight of my year was my beloved Astros made the playoffs. It was absolutely amazing to watch them. There were many nights the four of us gathered around the tv and cheered, screamed, and high fived one another. I am thankful for the memories the passed Astros season created. 

And with the passing of my dad in November my year kind of tanked. Without Hubs and my three best girls, Beth, Christy, and Sonya, I don't think I would have made it. There are still days I feel this way but they all know me so well and one of them is always there to help me. All I can say is that some days are better than others and the bad days are pretty dark. But I also know it is part of the grieving process. I read some where not to long after daddy died about a woman who lost a parent and how she no longer cried with sadness but cried with happiness from the memories. This is my goal, at some point to remember my daddy and as the tears stream down my face I will realize happiness has replaced the sadness. 

Tonight is New Year's Eve and two of the BFF's are coming over and we are eating a ton of food, watching some football, laughing till our sides hurt, and popping fireworks. I'm looking forward to it. 

So good bye 2015 and hello 2016.  

Merry Christmas 2015

 

 For to us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders. And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, 

Prince of Peace.

Isaiah 9:6

Just Not Feeling It

Well where do I start this post? Sure there is a lot of stuff running around in my head but it doesn't amount to much to write out here on this blog. 

I'm just not feeling it. I'm feeling more like the Grinch this year with a heart that is two sizes to small. Oh not being greedy or stingy, I'm just not feeling the Christmas spirit this year. 

I've put the tree up and decorated the mantel. I've put the wreath on the front door too. I've purchased gifts galore and wrapped till I almost ran out of wrapping paper. 

I've celebrated at church with our annual Christmas musical. I've watched my boys be shepherds and kings. I've decorated the church gym for the annual Taste of Christmas feast after the musical performance. I have served and cleaned up till I felt like I was going to drop from exhaustion. 

Oh and we've baseballed and basketballed in there too. And those of you that know me know where my happy place is...sitting right behind home plate watching the sport that I loved being played by the boys that I love.

 I'm doing what I call "faking it, till I make it". I've dressed the part and put on a smile on my face and laugh in my voice, but I don't feel it. It all feels fake and superficial to me.  

But I know why I feel this way. I miss my dad. 

No amount of Christmas cheer, music, food, basketball, and baseball is going to make me feel better at this moment. 

I know all of these feelings are very normal. I know that when the deep sadness hits that I'm supposed to sit in and let it out. I also know not to stay in that sadness and pull up my boot straps and move on. 

But right now, I just want my dad.